Shattered Memories
by VeraN
Summary: Lets just say that this is a Jo story, with Jo's sister who we never knew about Katie. Rated K plus to be safe. One swear word in this story!
1. Chapter 1

OK, so I write this fic ages, ages ago. I wrote it before Christmas last year.

I want you all to know I am nearly a whole year older, and my writing style has changed, for the better of course.

Actually, it is funny how much it has changed in nearly a year.

It was my first ever fic that I wrote, actually my first ever story not for an assignment. I think.

And I am (was) not too sure of some of the characters, so if any details are wrong, well, please don't flame me! Please be kind! LOL.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, except for Katie, who I do own.

And I claim copyright.

All the other characters are owned by Southern Star Productions and Channel Seven. Please don't sue me!

And now for the story, please R & R!

Shattered Memories

Katie walked off the mini plane in which she had been a prisoner in for the last six hours and stepped onto the hot tarmac. She felt like royalty, there was so many people with sad pitying looks on their faces there to welcome her. But her Mum and Dad were the only people that she had eyes for though. Katie just walked up to them and stood in complete silence, tears flowing out of her eyes and down her cheeks. She didn't even have the heart to wipe them off, or taste the salty trail that the tears left on her face. No one could understand the trip to hell and back that she had just taken, everyone just stood there and watched the awkwardness that was the Parrish family gathering, except that there was one thing missing. Katie's beautiful older sister, Joanna wasn't there.

She was overseas when she got the news. It was the day of her friend's party, she was on foreign soil, and all of a sudden her phone rang.

It was Susie.

"Hi Susie, how are you?" she asked.

When Susie didn't reply, she knew something was wrong, all she could hear was the sound of Susie crying.

"Suse, what's wrong? Why are you crying? What's going on?"

Then Susie told her, everything. She sounded so small. Suse told Katie that her Mum and dad had asked her to, that they noticed that they were so close when they were last together. Susie didn't hold anything back, told her all of the details. Then Katie came back straightaway.  
People in New York think that they have seen everything, but they saw a new sight when they saw Katie running through the subway in her pyjamas, holding bags in both hands, and crying like there was no tomorrow.

And that is what it felt like for Katie, like there was no tomorrow.

She stayed in Susie's room that night, she didn't want to go back to her parents, and couldn't bear to go to PJ's, where Jo's spirit was so strong. There was too many memories there. She slept on the floor, but halfway through the night, she woke up screaming and in a sweat. She had just dreamt that she was Jo, on the fateful day that she opened the backpack.

Katie woke up Susie, but all Katie could do was cry, and they sat on Susie's bed the whole night, with Suse just hugging her and stroking her hair, just like Jo used to do.

When the first light shone through the window, she slipped out of Susie's sleeping grasp and snuck out of the room. She was crying again, but she sprinted to the site of the old station, where Jo was last alive, and sat down in the mess and rubble, crying, shaking and holding her legs up to her chest.

Her mind was racing with all the memories, but she just sat there, not wanting to ever move again, as if she had lost all the will to live.   
She was fairly well hidden, but PJ managed to find her, as if he could just read her mind, it must have come from spending so much time with Jo, because they were alike in so many ways. Katie just wanted to escape, run away from everything, but there were things she had to attend to. PJ lifted her up, and she just collapsed onto him, but he held her up with all of his power.  
"This is how it will be Kate, I'll always hold you up" he blurted out.

"I miss her PJ, I just want Jo back" Katie sobbed.

PJ forced Katie to look at him, and wiped the tears out of her eyes and off her face, and said

"I do too, but she would have wanted us to be happy, and remember all the good times we had with her"

Katie stared at him disbelievingly, as if saying, how could you say that? She was my sister, I knew her better than anyone, she thought.

"That's a load of crap" she yelled right in PJ's face, and ran away.


	2. Chapter 2

She fled down to the river. Her and Jo used to hang out there all the time. Just after she got posted to Mount Thomas, they had both found this really nice place. All you had to do to get to it was wade through a shallow part in the river and walk up the bank, climb over a few rocks, then go back down to the river. They used to sit there and talk. They would ponder all things, from why so many TV shows were so dramatic, to the meaning of life, and some of Katie's most intelligent conversations had occurred there.  
It as the last place that Katie had seen Jo alive. She sat there on the rock, they used to be together there, but now she was alone.  
She sat there all day and well into the night, watching the tide go in and out, watching all the animals go about their business. She tried to remember every single conversation they had had there, but all the memories she had were getting so hazy already.

No one came, no one knew where she was. She wondered for an idle moment if they cared, but she didn't really care if they cared herself. All she wanted was Jo to be back. She could even identify the part of her that Jo had taken with her when she disappeared. It was the part somewhere around the belly button region, right in the gut, but it slowly travelled up through her body, right to her heart, and spread out all over her body. She didn't know what was there and what wasn't anymore.

She walked around Mount Thomas for a while, until she heard someone call her name from behind, then she ran.  
She went to the new police station, she wouldn't normally have gone there, but she had to see it for herself. After a few minutes looking at it she managed to break in, and once she had confirmed, mainly for her own benefit that there wasn't anyone there, she went and had a look around. She looked all over, in the desk drawers, in all the folders, even in the cell, but she couldn't find anything remotely interesting. She looked on PJ's desk, and when she rummaged through his drawers, he found a picture of Maggie floating around in the bottom drawer, but there wasn't one of Jo. Then she noticed how hungry she was, and went to the newly discovered mess room, made a tea, ate some of the food out of the fridge then went to sleep on the rug on the floor.

Katie awoke to her shoulders being shaken.

"Katie, what are you doing here?" whispered one of the new ones.

She seemed to be, in the larger scheme of things, largely unaffected by Jo's death, but she didn't know her, didn't know what a great person was. Katie assumed that it was Amy, because she new that there was a new female detective, and her name was Amy. "Everyone thinks that there was a break in"

She tried to remember what she was doing last night, but couldn't remember. All she could remember was PJ's desk, Jo wasn't there, like PJ had just forgotten all about her. "I don't care, all I want to do is sleep, sleep the pain away" Katie replied groggily.

Amy looked like she really pitied Katie, but had to encourage her to continue functioning. "Honey, you can't do that, it wouldn't be good, how about I get you some breakfast?" she offered.

"I'm not hungry" Katie said, just as her stomach grumbled. Amy looked doubtful and went off and got some anyway.  
Katie got up, a bit disorientated, then eventually found the exit, but just as she reached out for the handle, it turned and there stood Tom. She hadn't seen Tom yet, and he looked horrible. She knew he was injured in the blast, but she didn't expect it to be that bad. She thought that she might be able to at least get some sympathy from Tom, he used to dish it out, but he had changed since Katie last remembered him, and didn't hand it out on a silver platter.  
He dragged her into his office, closed the door and let it rip.

"What do you think you are doing? Running away, staying out all night, worrying Susie half to death, then breaking into a police station of all things?" He demanded.

"Susie was worried sick, she was up all night looking for you. She thought you might have crawled under a bush in the middle of nowhere. Not to mention your parents" "Where are they?" she mused. She hadn't seen them for ages, since she got to Mount Thomas.

"On their way here. Come on, eat the breakfast Amy got you, it's in the mess room, then I will take you out to the pub so you can get your stuff from Susie's room, then your parents will be there." But Katie wanted to stay with Susie, and she was going to get her way.

"Do you mind Suse?"

Susie looked thoughtful.

"Jo was my best friend, which means that you are kinda my best friend now. Jo would have let you stay with her, so you can stay with me, if your parents are cool with it" "Yeah, they are fine with it" she replied, obviously relieved.

"OK, I'll meet you back here at 5:30 and we'll go back together?"

"Yeah, sounds good." Katie answered.

Just as she turned her back and started to leave the mess room, Katie asked Susie "Do you miss her?"

Susie looked up, and went over and hugged Katie.

"Of course I do, we all do. I had a good cry when you were gone, because I thought you might have gone to the same place Jo did, but I couldn't have cried in front of you or PJ, I would have felt too quilty"

"Oh, Suse, why would you have felt quilty?" Kate said, as she looked up at Susie.

Susie's eyes were so close to Kate's, so you could tell if they were being insincere, and took a deep breath, looked straight into Katie's eyes and said

"Because you have lost so much more than me. Sure, I lost a friend, but you lost your own flesh and blood. I have no idea what that feels like."

Katie looked straight into her eyes and replied, "Yes, but we all lost part of ourselves when we lost Jo. She spoke of you so much, she thought you were great, you shouldn't feel quilty. We all lost someone special" she whispered.

Susie hugged Katie and conveyed what she thought without having to say anything. Suse was saying thankyou, and she had tears in her eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

That night, instead of crying and waking up after a bad nightmare in a sweat, Katie had her head in the toilet, throwing up all night. She didn't know how Susie put up with her, she must have been so tired, she hadn't slept since Katie had arrived, but she was right next to her all night. Katie knew Susie would always be right next to her.   
When Katie finally got her head out of the toilet, Susie forced her to have a shower, but when she was in the shower, she nearly fainted. Then she stepped out of the shower, wrapped the towel around her, crouched down, and threw up again.  
At about 6am, Susie finally got up and left Katie's side to go in early to work, because she had a lot of paperwork to catch up on. Susie didn't want to leave, but she had to go sometime. She left Katie in her own bed, tucked in warmly so that not an ounce of cold would touch her.

Katie fell asleep, and stayed asleep until about 10:30, when someone knocked on the door.  
She got up and opened the door, but when she saw the person that stood at the door, she immediately let her guard down. It was Tess. She flung herself upon Katie, and embraced her like nothing else. When they finally let go of each other, Tess stared into Katie's eyes.

"Oh, look at you honey. You look so pale. You are really thin and you look so sick." Tess commented.

"Oh, thanks a lot there" Katie joked with tears in her eyes. "Really comforting you are Tess"

Tess just laughed.

She stepped into Susie's room at asked, "So, how are you? How are you holding up?" Katie just shrugged and smiled. After a minutes contemplation of what she could possibly say, she just said

"Yeah, OK. I think I'm getting on fine."

They talked for the next half hour, when Tess offered to take her down the station. "Yeah, I might take you up on that offer. Suse said to come down when I was up and ready. Do you know where it is?" she gushed.

"Yeah, I got that part downpat. I just haven't worked out what I should say to them all, that is, the ones that I know" Tess confided.

"Oh, don't worry, they are all really great about this whole thing. Even the new ones don't seem to be pushing their luck talking about Jo."

That was the first time that her name was mentioned in their conversation, and when it was said, Tess just hugged Katie again. Then they left.

Tess pulled up to the new station, and when Katie and her got out of the car and entered the station, they were greeted with a warm reception.

"Tess" Jonesy exclaimed while running up to her and hugging her.

"How are you?"

"Oh, you know, this and that get mixed together. How are you?"

Tom came out of his office, looking to see what the ruckus was all about, and instead was greeted with a huge grin from Tess. As all the old members of the station were talking and catching up, Susie walked up to Katie and asked how she slept.  
"Yeah, pretty good. But, oh, Susie, I'm not trying to reject you or anything, but you haven't slept in ages, since I got here, and I talked to PJ yesterday, and he said I can stay there. I feel so quilty, and Jo wouldn't have wanted her best friend to be tired at her funeral, especially on account of her sister. I know we don't know what Jo wanted, but I know at least that" Katie told her  
Susie looked a little upset, probably because she needed the company, especially when she was missing Jo so much, because she apparently broke down at work the day before, but she also looked relieved that Katie wouldn't be in her hair, or be her responsibility. With that, Katie walked out of the station and into the winter's sun.

The day passed so quickly, not just for Katie, for everyone, PJ, Tom, Susie, Evan, the newbies. One minute Katie was telling Susie that she was staying at PJ's and the next she was going home in his detective car.  
"Do you miss her Peej?" she asked. PJ seemed to consider the question for a while, as if treading lightly, but when he answered, it was anything but.

"Yes, I miss her with all my heart. She died thinking I didn't love her and that I didn't want to get married and have kids, but the truth is that I did. I should have told her all the time, but I didn't, and I regret it. I wish that she knew that."

He looked a bit uncomfortable, so Katie decided not to persue it, but PJ wanted to.

"I haven't seen you for a while, have you coped all right?"

Katie shuffled in her seat, and wiped the hair out of her eyes.

"What didn't Suse tell you?"

He looked puzzled, "No, what didn't she tell me?"

Katie looked a bit uncomfortable, she had to admit up to all the stupid things she did! "Um, well, my whole running away fiasco, breaking into the station, waking up from a nightmare in a sweat, screaming in my sleep, crying all night, vomiting all night, just everything that has happened. I can't concentrate, I am writing something to say tomorrow, but I can't do it, it is way too hard to do, you know?"

PJ looked at her while he stopped for a give way sign, and said with a hint of humour, "So, not too well then?"

Katie just rested her head in her hands, and was breathing very heavily, until she looked up, tears in here eyes and said, "How will I cope tomorrow Peej?"

He took in a deep breath. "You remember, I told you I will always hold you up, and Suse will always be right next to you. I know that she promised you that. Everyone from the station will be."

"Thanks Peej, you can always make me feel better" she said, with a hint of the first smile that had appeared on her face in days shining through.  
PJ's house was so empty, Ben was at the pub, and Jo obviously wasn't there. Only Katie and PJ.

Katie was constantly haunted by nightmares, like where she is at the funeral parlour, walking towards a white coffin. She looked in and there is Jo, lying there, with her shiny face, and a hint of a smile, but she was so bruised and battered. She was wearing PJ's engagement ring. She just stood there, staring at Jo.

Then Katie woke up, and realised that she would never see Jo like that, because some thoughtless and heartless person blew her up into a million smithereens, and she could never see her at peace like in her dreams. Jo couldn't get cremated, like she had always told Katie she wanted, and her ashes could never be kept in an urn in pride of place in someone's home, or scattered over Jo's most loved areas of the earth. She was already a million little meaningless pieces in a rubble.  
Katie woke up at about midnight, and decided to sneak out and walk around for a while, just to clear her head. She slowly got up, but as she did, the sofa squeaked, and PJ turned over and groaned in the next room.

Her eyes shot over to the door, in deep panic, and expected PJ to walk through it, but he never came, so she kept moving. She opened the door, but as it opened, it painfully squeaked again, but she only opened it so she could just fit out.

When she got out of the house, she breathed in the nights air, and felt the cold creep over her skin, and she saw the moon shining through the clouds, and she knew that she was alive.  
She prowled through Mount Thomas, like a wild cat, and eventually found herself lying on a bench at the park. She lay there until she found herself, but then she got so angry that Jo was dead, and she started ripping out the tufts of grass and kicking over the flowers. Then she felt something float around her and warm her up, but she looked around and no one was there. The wind blew in the trees, and the moon came out from behind the clouds.

Then, as though the trees were talking to her, she heard a whisper. It sounded so far away, and it seemed to be getting further away every moment.

"Katie" it said, "I love you."

Then the voice stopped, the moon went behind the clouds, the wind stopped and the cold filled her body and chilled it like ice. She shivered, then ran all the way back to the house. As she went in the house, she took one final look outside, glanced over her shoulder, took in the sights and fresh air, and she finally understood.


	4. Chapter 4

The sun rose on the day that was to be the saddest day in the history of Mount Thomas, but it felt so surreal. The suns rays shone in the partially open window and shone on Katie, and they warmed her up.

This terrible day should never be happening, Katie thought. She pulled herself of the bed, and then she remembered the events of last night.

"Urghhh" she groaned.

She got up and turned on the shower, and got dressed up and did her hair. Then, just as PJ was ready, they stepped into the sun together, and drove all the way to the park that she was at the night before, where the funeral was to be held.

She smiled as she got out of the car, because it was just how she had arranged for it to be. They had let her choose, what flowers there was, what music, the prayers to be said, she got to choose everything.

When she saw the chairs, she was so touched, because they had planned for at least that many people to be there, if not more. Look how many people's life's she had touched.  
Katie put on some music when people started arriving, her first choice was stairway to heaven, because she knew that Jo had loved that song, and she knew that Jo was in heaven.  
She saw all the people Jo had known, and there was so many. It's funny, you don't really realise how many people's life's a person touches till they die, and you see them all gathered at the funeral, Katie thought.  
Her Mum and Dad were right next to her, sitting in the front row, but Katie couldn't take it, she couldn't stand sitting there staring at her sister's "coffin."

Because that is what it was, just a coffin, Jo's body wasn't even in it. But she did know what was in it, because she had organised that too.

Her belongings were in it, and some photos that she had got copies of, and now had forever. There was photos from throughout her whole life, it showed how much Jo had really grown.

There was photos of her being born, christened, growing up, holding Katie when she had just been born, the two of them growing up together, graduating school, travelling the world, friends at the police academy, friends at the stables where she rode, her hugging horses necks, graduating from the academy, moving to Mount Thomas, her and Katie's special spot, her friends and co workers hanging out at the Imperial, walking on patrol in Mount Thomas.

Then there was the more recent photos, which broke Katie's and PJ's hearts, because she was so full of life, like all her co workers standing outside the station, Katie and Jo standing outside the house that she had lived in, PJ and Jo standing next to each other, so clearly in love, and her and PJ, just after they got engaged, with a ring on her finger. That was the last photo ever taken of her. She looked so carefree, like nothing could dampen her spirits, laughing like she always was, holding PJ like she would never let him go, and her eyes sparkling like they were made out of glitter.

Little did she know the heartbreak that would follow that photo.

In the coffin there was also a whole lot of music sheets, because she loved music, and her police uniform. There was a picture of her, the one where she had just gotten engaged, but just her head, on the top of the coffin, there was also her police hat. And then there was the flowers, by god, was there ever flowers, almost every person who came to the funeral brought flowers.  
But Katie couldn't bear to look at that, and turned around and walked out the door, where she ran into all the police from the station, plus all the old people who used to work with her, people from the academy, and the official people, who were high up in the policing world, who'd come to pay their respects to someone who lost their life in the line of duty.  
She gave them all massive hugs, but held on especially tight to PJ, because if she closed her eyes, she could almost smell Jo again.

She cried and a little tear trickled down the leather of his coat, but he didn't care. They all signed the guest book and sat down.

She wanted to sit nice and safely in between Susie and PJ, but she knew her parents couldn't bear it if she chose them over her own parents, so she sat where the family was supposed to sit.

She decided that she would conform for this one day and not feel quilty.  
Then all the talking and singing started. Katie tried to pay attention to it, but couldn't do it.

Then the eulogies started.

Her parents did one together, and they stood up there, holding hands, shaking in their shoes, but they got through it.

Then the celebrant said it was her turn, and she got up, as if floating on a cloud, and stood there staring out at all the people gathered in that beautiful park.  
She looked around for a minute, and she was so choked up with tears that she couldn't talk for a minute.

The first few words were really slow, but the next were torture, as it was the hardest thing Katie ever had to do.

Come on Katie, she thought, you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't do this, and it is for Jo. And she got on with it.


	5. Chapter 5

"My first ever memory of my life was when Jo and I were going for a walk in the park and I tripped over. I was crying so loudly, and Jo picked me up and carried me all the way home. That was when I was four, and she has been in my life ever since, there was never a time when Jo wasn't there, I can't remember my life without her.  
An age later, she was still holding my hand, and carrying me home if I ever needed it.  
She was the best sister to me during high school, she even blew off meeting friends to hang around with me, her dorky little sister.  
I remember the day that she told me she wanted to be a police officer. So she went for it.  
We went and had a look at the options together, and she became so dedicated, more dedicated than she had ever been before. Policing became her life, so when she graduated, she put so much into it.  
Then she got posted to Mount Thomas. We drove in, and we spent the whole day together. We found a special place, and whenever we were here together, we would go there, and whenever we were home again we would go to that same old park and hang out together. And that special place in Mount Thomas was the last place I ever saw her alive. Her spirit will always linger there.  
I went overseas six months before she died, and the last time I spoke to her, and heard her beautiful voice was a few days before she died. She thought that everything was going for her, she had a great job, and her and PJ were engaged and planning to have children, they were already naming them. Jo would have been a great mother, she just never got the chance. She was the happiest then, happier than she had ever been before, I know that. I was told they broke up two days before she died, but they both still longed and pined for each other.  
I remember the day she died very clearly. I didn't know that she had died, but I felt something really important just leave, disappear from my life. Then Susie, god bless her, I don't know what I would have done without her"

she said while smiling at Susie, who was smiling back, but had tears in her eyes,

"had to somehow come up with the courage to tell me that the most important person in my life was dead. She had to tell me something that not even my own parents could manage to do. I cried and cried, I yelled and screamed,I was so angry with the world, if I could have torn it apart I would have. Then I came to my senses and cancelled my trip and flew back home, not prepared for all the emotional struggles and grief ahead. On the plane I went through stages. I don't know what the person next to me thought was going on, I didn't particularly care. I cried, then I would shake for hours at a time in the foetal position, I would turn white then run to the toilet and throw up what the flight attendant had just shoved down my throat. Then I came back here, back home, and the reality of it all hit me. My family was all there, but she wasn't. Mount Thomas could never be the same without Jo.  
Jo always told me that I could do whatever I wanted, and be whoever I wanted to be, but the problem was, I didn't want to do whatever and be whoever. I wanted to be Jo. I never told her how much she meant to me, I should have told her every day, but I think she knew anyway. I should have told her that she was beautiful and loved, like the last thing that she ever said to me.  
Then I come up here and have to face speaking at her funeral, and I don't know where I am getting the strength from, but it has to be there. I can't face stepping outside into this harsh world alone. But somehow I have to do it without her.  
I wanted to be Jo because I thought that she was perfect. That's why I am trying to think of all the good things, because I want her to be perfect, I want her to be preserved in my mind as perfect, and she won't be if I think of the bad things.  
It seems like such a cliché, but we weren't just sisters, we were best friends.  
I know you are looking down on all of us here today, and those of us that can't be here, and guiding us with your beautiful hands.  
Nothing I say here today will ever seem enough to remember Jo, or really say how great she was, because I will miss her and love her forever, but Joanna Parish, my beautiful sister who never got to show the whole world what she showed to me, admired and loved by everyone, I will forget you never."

As Katie stepped down from the platform, she started bawling, even though she managed to keep a dry eye for the whole speech, and everyone was applauding her.  
Then she completely lost track of all time and thought, she lived through he rest of the funeral, but she wouldn't remember it for a little while at least, until her brain knew she was ready to.

The next thing Katie knew, she was standing behind Jo's coffin, but without Jo in it, and putting it in the back of the hirsute. She was bawling like a newborn baby, and she felt like one too. All around her people were crying, and she knew what that loss felt like, because everyone there at the funeral lost Jo.

Then came the hardest part, where she had to talk to all the people who were at the funeral. She couldn't face it, she felt like all she needed was someone's shoulder to cry on, not to talk to people who felt sorry for her.  
She had to face meeting all the people Jo knew, from school, the neighbourhood they had grown up together in, all her police academy friends, her riding friends and people from the stables, and all the people who she had worked with over the years, and the people that she had touched in her many years working as a cop. All she wanted to do was collapse and die, but she had to do it, and PJ was right next to her, holding her hand and whispering comforting comments in her ear all the time.  
Then they all piled into the cars and drove all the way to the crematorium.

They took out her coffin and put it on the thing, then, as it slid along and the doors opened, revealing a fire, she trembled and shook.

She felt that even though Jo wasn't actually in the coffin, it was like an end of an era, Jo would be gone once it was over, and she couldn't expect to see her on the street or around the corner, like she still did.

And then the coffin disappeared behind closing doors, and she yelled, just one pure, simple word.

"JO"

PJ just grabbed her, and embraced her, calmed her down. She felt the tears trickle down her cheek, and she stayed in PJ's warm embrace until all the rest of the people were gone.

Time had no meaning, it passed without either of them knowing about it.

She let go, and PJ and her were both crying, their faces completely wet and red, she let go of his hands and turned and walked away, not looking back.

It seemed like something out of a movie.

Katie was given some of Jo's ashes, and she was standing in their special place.

She was crying, the wind was blowing through her soft hair, and she was wearing pure black.

"This is the end, beautiful sister" she sobbed.

"No more you and me" she cried as she scattered the ashes over their spot.  
But she didn't scatter them all. She kept some of the ashes, just in case, because if she ever needed Jo, she would be close by…

They could be together forever…

The End

Yes, in reading this I have realised how incredibly corny a particular part of it is. But I thought that it was good at the time.

Hope you liked it, despite the total cornyness!

Bye guys, Please review, have fun,

Vera


End file.
